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No one is immune to pain. There’s physical pain and there’s psychological pain. For physical pain, we can turn to our doctors and medicine, but we are in charge of how much psychological pain we bring to the situation. Asking “Why me?” or feeling that “This will never end”, and other negative thought patterns will only make us feel worse.

 

One teaching from a Buddhist parable is “If you get struck by an arrow, do you then shoot another arrow into yourself?”

 

Tara Brach, an author and meditation teacher, does a great job describing this second arrow: “If we look at the way we move through the day, when something happens, when we have pain in our body, when somebody treats us in a way that feels disrespectful when something goes wrong for someone we love, that’s the first arrow. Our mind and body go into a reactivity that does not help to bring healing. We blame others, we blame ourselves. That’s the second arrow.”

 

Her framework for NOT shooting yourself with the second arrow: PAUSE, RECOGNIZE, OPEN. Not saying it’s easy. But it helps.

 

• PAUSE: Okay, let me just sit and be, let me pause. 

• RECOGNIZE: Can I recognize what is going on? Can I recognize what is actually here—the larger space of sound, sensation and feelings? 

  • It can be helpful to focus on a part of the body that is not in pain, even if it’s just a big toe, and be grateful that there’s no pain there.

• OPEN: Can I open to the presence that is here?

  • Instead of reacting, choosing to RESPOND despite the pain, to not create additional pain.

 

I would add REMEMBER to her framework: remember the struggles and pain you have faced in the past and SURVIVED. Let those experiences fortify your spirit. Remind yourself that you will get through this too.

 

As Nietzsche’s said: “What does not kill me makes me stronger.”

In the US the nuclear family, i.e., parents and their children, form the basic social organization and unit in society. However, humans did not evolve living in such a small group. HUMANS THRIVE IN TRIBES.

 

That was true hundreds of years ago and is still true today. Wake up call => WE STILL HAVE CAVEMAN BRAINS LIVING IN OUR MODERN DAY SOCIETY. You may dress all fancy, eat a macrobiotic diet, and sit in front of an amazing tool called the computer, but you still have the same basic drives that your unsophisticated ancestors had.

 

One of the takeaways from this knowledge is that each of us needs people in our lives other than our significant other to connect with, challenge us, learn from, laugh with. And don’t even get me started on raising kids without a connected, supportive, in-person, and involved extended community around to support, guide, teach, entertain, feed. 

 

TAKE TIME TODAY TO REFLECT ON YOUR TRIBES. Do you have groups of people with whom you feel supported, connected, or challenged in a good way? Or groups you can just totally let your guard down and be yourself.

 

These tribes provide what psychologists call SOCIAL CURRENCY, which I may touch on in the future because it’s so valuable for people in the workplace but also powerful in life overall.

 

But going back to your tribes, here are a few categories from my list of tribes that I encourage you to reflect on. Ideally, you want multiple groups in your life that collectively form your extended community. Ask yourself, “Do I have tribes where I…”

1. Learn from other members

2. Feel members see me, really see the real me, and fully accept me

3. Have stimulating conversations

4. Feel I can lean on members during difficult milestones like losing a parent

5. Share a common heritage (ethnic, geographical, socioeconomic, etc.)

6. Have fun (game night, poker, exercising, etc.)

7. Share similar work

8. Share values, like community service, curiosity, etc.

9. Share common interests, like hiking, cooking, dancing

10. Physically see members like people in my neighborhood

11. Have a shared history or experience (e.g., college, childhood)

12. Xyz (fill in the blank based on what is important to you)

 

I have worked with clients, including financially successful clients, who have not made the effort to develop their tribes. They can feel alone, disconnected, not supported, like something is missing in their lives. If you fall into this category, please reach out. Your life can and will be so much richer, in non-monetary ways, with your tribe rallying around you. Don’t spend another day, week, year without satisfying the primal side of you that thrives in tribes.

Riaz Patel, who graduated from the same class at Penn with me, has a method to facilitate CONVERSATIONS between “people who start out believing they are diametrically opposed.” Riaz bills himself as a “triple minority”because he’s a Muslim, an immigrant, and gay. His model has helped him and many others have deep conversations with people of all backgrounds, faiths, and beliefs.

The model is called EPIC. While he focuses on using it for difficult conversations, I think we can use it for all types of conversations. I’m planning on trying it out on my family members tonight! I hope you will try it as well. Drop me a line and let me know how it goes and what tweaks you made to personalize it.

EPIC:

• Equalization: figure out what you both have in common.

• Personification: understand the other person’s story, where they are coming from.

• Information Gathering: ask questions about their personal experiences that have shaped them. Try steer the conversation away from outside sources such as CNN or books and focus on the other person.

• Collaboration: if there is some connection and trust, you can move to this last phase where you look for ways to help solve a shared problem.

“The greatest risk to man is not that he aims too high and misses, but that he aims too low and hits.” Michaelangelo 

With the unemployment rate hovering around 13.5%, I know this is a tough time mentally and practically for many people. I thought it might be helpful to provide a few ideas outside of the typical job boards and recruiters. Other situations these tips may apply to: if you are running a business and are looking for more clients OR if you are having an epiphany during this time of social distancing about pivoting your career.

 

• ONLINE CERTIFICATIONS: If you are in between jobs, you may want to consider getting an online certification to beef up the resume as well as keep busy. Many educational institutions are offering free or reduced programs and certifications. Universities such as Yale, Penn, and Harvard have jumped on the bandwagon. (For chuckles, check out this video by Scott Young who managed to take the entire 4-year MIT curriculum for computer science in 12 months, without taking any classes.) Since I’m a dinosaur, I was very skeptical of online learning until I tried it. I took a certification program through UC Berkeley a couple years ago and found the combination of self-paced coursework, videos, guest lecturers, and live calls with people around the world perfect to do from home. And one upside to virtual vs in-person coursework I hadn’t considered is the abundance of links to additional research, articles, TedTalks, etc. Overall, it makes for a very rich learning experience if you are self-motivated. And I can’t tell you how many clients ask about my certification in the Science of Happiness vs my Masters in Organizational Psychology, in which I invested a lot more time and money. Kind of funny.

  • BTW, if you are not self-motivated or unsure, check out Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies, which will help you determine if you are motivated more by internal or external forces. It’s fascinating!

• VOLUNTEER: This is a great way to pivot a career. I know a lawyer who was fed up with her career choice and wanted to shift to public relations. She volunteered for 3 months doing PR work for a local non-profit on the side. In return for helping a cause she believed in, she developed PR skills, made new contacts, and got a recent reference in the new field. No one asked her if it was a paid position!

  • I started and ran a nonprofit, so have lots of contacts if this is an avenue you want to explore.

• TRADE ASSOCIATIONS: Trade associations are a great way to meet more people in a field and get exposure. If your ideal clients are in Human Resources, join a trade association for human resources. Or if you can’t join, these groups are always looking for people to present on topics of interest to the group. That’s your opportunity to build valuable contacts and start establishing yourself as an expert. They also often have recommended training programs or free webinars and networking events. 

  • Make sure you connect with everyone you meet at the trade association on LinkedIn. I found one of my business partners and many opportunities through these types of organizations.

• SUBCONTRACT: Many companies specialize in selling projects and then scramble to find qualified subcontractors. You can help fill that gap. Reach out if you want my list of subcontracting companies.

I encourage you to continue to aim high during these odd times. Know that you are not alone. Continue to take small steps every day. Partner with people. And take time to celebrate the small wins.

“We are not yet what we shall be.” These words, attributed to 16th-century theologian Martin Luther, highlight that we are all on a path of growth, that we can all strive to better ourselves.

I had the privilege to hear Sanyin Siang, founding executive director of Duke University’s Fuqua/Coach K Leadership and Ethics Center (COLE) and a professor at Duke’s Pratt School of Engineering, speak recently on how to be a Comforter-in-Chief. (Not a typo.) Read below for more details.

Highlights: People are experiencing sorrow over loss of loved ones, opportunities, savings, and more. Many grieve the loss of a way of life that they fear is forever gone. For the first time, individuals find themselves in the unusual role of Comforter-in-Chief. Some may argue that political and religious roles are better suited to the role of comforter. But we can all set the tone and create an environment for psychological safety, which in turn allows those around you to show up at their best.

I encourage you to be Comforter-in-Chief of your domain – whether that’s your team, your family, or your friend group. I’ve updated my title in my phone contact, and my outbound emails now show this title as a reminder to myself. Here are Sanyin’s suggestions for how to be a Comforter-in-Chief:

1. Lean into your discomfort. Take time to feel the ebb and flow of emotions—some of which you can’t yet name—and reflect on them. Your willingness to feel that discomfort and be vulnerable are key to your capacity to connect. You can’t be an effective comforter unless you understand what it’s like to need comfort and be comforted.

2.  Avoid the problem-solving mindset. A fix-it attitude can’t produce words of comfort. Grief is not fixable.Rather, as Edith Cooper, who helped lead Goldman Sachs through the 2008 financial crisis as its head of human capital, says, “It’s about listening. It’s about reaching out and letting them know that you were thinking of them and then give them the space to talk about their grief.“ This is a tough one for us A-types and advisors who want to quickly move from point A to point B. But sadness and other emotions do not stem from the logical parts of our brain so approaching the situation with logic and reason and solutions isn’t always the best option.

3. Build trust through touchstone memories. Have you encouraged and shown care so that when you reach out now, your presence can lift? And when making tough decisions, do people trust that you are doing it with greatest compassion? Trust is built in moments, and it’s never too early nor too late to create those memories.Create opportunities for celebrations so that your presence becomes a touchstone of better times past and a reminder of better days forward.

4. Create a “battle rhythm” of communications. During World War II, King George VI’s regular addresses and President Franklin Roosevelt’s weekly fireside chats assuaged their grieving nations and inspired hope. Currently, leaders from startups to major corporations have taken to pen or video to share their personal reflections and work through their own feelings. Regular authentic communications are a source of assurance, with work colleagues, friends, and extended family.

I previously shared a framework to encourage conversation and increase psychological safety (think: traffic lights). In a training with the Gallup organization last week, they too highlighted the importance of ongoing conversations.

And they discussed how the topics of these work conversations are SHIFTING. Gallup highlighted six work topics that were most important to employees in the past, and what these topics will look like in the FUTURE. 

A few of the items really stood out: 

1. My Development: Employees are interested in ongoing development of skills for their specific role as always, but I’m also seeing a desire for development of the WHOLE PERSON. Skills such as how to be more resilient, less reactive, more strategic. I’m also getting requests for tools to increase SELF-AWARENESS including identification of blind spots, whether it’s through assessments, a coach, or training.

 

2. My Life: Employees are conceptualizing work as part of their overall life, no longer a compartmentalized part of their day that they just “have to slog through” (in the words of a former client). Makes sense given how technology has already blurred the lines between work and life time. And now with so many people working from home, this line has been all but erased.

 

Is there anything you would add to Gallup’s list of shifting conversations? What about a shift to talk about employees’ physiology, energy, and personal kryptonite so employees can show up at their best? How about employees’ well-being? Arianna Huffington’s company Thrive Global is making strides in this space, but there’s a lot more that has to be done.

 

One of HuWork’s offerings is helping teams and companies develop a human-centered culture, where the whole-person is taken into account.

Today’s post will highlight a framework to encourage input, conversation, and openness. It is a coaching tool developed by Shooksvenson for goals, but I have found their “Be SAFE & Certain” model utilizing the concept of red and green traffic lights helpful for encouraging open dialogue at work and in everyday life.

Highlights of the “Be SAFE & Certain” Traffic Light framework:

• Overview: If someone does not feel comfortable sharing their opinion at work, talking in a meeting, connecting with someone in life, that person is feeling a red light. A red light tells our brains to STOP…stop engaging, stop participating. Our collective goal is to get these 6 traffic lights GREEN to keep engagement high.

• Process: If someone is not engaging, take a moment to mentally check in with each light in the framework:

• • Belonging: is she worried she may be rejected from the group if she doesn’t go along with what is being said?

  • Status: will speaking up lead to a role or position that does not feel right to her?

  • Autonomy: does she feel she has no control in the group?

  • Fairness: is she feeling any unfairness in the group?

  • Expectations: is she dreading something related to the group?

  • Certainty: is the group unpredictable?

 

Test it with yourself: next time you are in a group setting and you are not really engaged (assuming it’s not just a boring topic or group of people), run through the 6 lights to determine if one is red for you.Once identified, how might you shift that light to green? You may need to have a hard conversation, you may want to shift a long-standing belief, or take some other action specific to your situation.

 

You may also notice a trend, where one or two traffic lights turn red quite often for you. Belonging often comes up for me, so I know my team will get the best from me if I get to know and connect with each person outside of team situations to turn that light from red to green. Would love to hear what lights turn red for you regularly, and what you will do to counteract it.

 

I hope you found the framework helpful. If I can assist you on your path, professionally or personally, please schedule a 20-minute “are we a good fit?” call here. 

 

In response to people who asked to hear my stories of bias, while it is emotional for me to relive, in a spirit of open dialogue and what I committed to last week, let’s talk over a video call. Let me know which day/time works best for you in this doodle survey.

It’s shocking to hear that forty-two million Americans lost their jobs this year. But I’ve also been hearing from many of you who are contemplating starting new jobs or gigs. Last week, I attended a Wharton webinar titled “Leadership in the Wake of COVID-19: What Enterprise Leaders Will Need to Survive and Prosper in the Years Ahead”, and there were some nuggets in there for all of us, regardless of role.

Lori Ryerkerk, chairman, president and CEO of Celanese Corporation spoke about the importance of first impressions and of human connection when first starting in a new role. I would say this applies to new clients, projects, and co-workers as well.

Highlights:

• Spend the first hundred days getting to know people. Get to know the company. Talk to people, talk to customers, talk to suppliers. Lori emphasized keeping your mouth shut and hearing what everybody else has to say.

 

• Really understand the entirety of the landscape, not just the technical work. Understand the social situation, the community situation, the reputational situation. Immerse yourself and learn from others. If you don’t take time to do this when you join a company, you really can make some big missteps early on that you will spend the next five years trying to recover from.

 

Would love to hear what has helped you be successful when you have started a new job or project.

 

And as a follow up to my last email, thank you to everyone who shared their racial bias assessment results with me – hard to own I know. And for those that shared their list of what they commit to – you are brave and know that I will support you to the best of my ability on your path. 

 

In response to people who asked to hear my stories of bias, while it is emotional for me to relive, in a spirit of open dialogue and what I committed to last week, let’s talk over a video call. Let me know which day/time works best for you in this doodle survey.

 

If I can assist you on your path, professionally or personally, please schedule time with me here.

We suffer because we forget our belonging to one another.” – Mother Theresa

This week’s theme has been REFLECTION, and I find myself drawn to reflecting on the implicit bias that I’m saddened is still prevalent in our society today. Growing up, even in New York, I felt this bias daily if not hourly ANY TIME I was out of my home. I could share a lifetime of memories and stories starting when I was five all the way up to last week. From the educational system to the workplace, it was like the low hum of an air-conditioning unit in the background – always present when you notice it. My history is one of the reasons I am so passionate about helping women and people of color compensate for this cultural bias in the work that I do.

 

This isn’t their problem. This isn’t my problem. This is your problem because it’s everyone’s problem.

 

This is the time to come together, to dialogue, to forge a path forward. That path becomes more intentional and I hope brighter with reflection, versus impulsive reactivity.

 

Chaos is contagious, but calm is contagious too. How can you be the best version of yourself? And help others in your world?

 

Which leads me to a practical framework I hope will inspire you, and that I’ve come to rely on for challenging situations:

 

AWARENESS => FOCUS => REFLECTION

 

• Change starts with AWARENESS: Deep reflection will bring awareness to your own biases, your values, why you feel the way you do, your judgements towards yourself and others. And if you think you are not biased, let me challenge you by asking you to take a racial bias assessment. As a woman of color, I was saddened by my score. But the org psychologist side of me knows that our habits, behaviors and biases form deeply grooved paths in our brains. Changing these pathways takes time, awareness, vigilance, and courage to face and make hard decisions every day. BUT IT STARTS WITH AWARENESS.

 

• Then comes FOCUS: focused effort, focused energy towards changing the grooves that have formed in your brain with your thinking, beliefs, and habits. And as a coach, I’m always going to push you to choose COURAGE. Ask the tough questions, speak out when you see even a small racial bias in your world. Make those hard choices in everyday life to move the needle in the direction you choose. Even if your bias is not 100% removed, you can still focus and decide to make the right decision to compensate for your bias.

 

• Last step is REFLECTION: Check in with yourself. How are your efforts going? What have you discovered about yourself and others? What adjustments do you need to make to fine-tune your efforts? My hope is that you feel encouraged by your actions and efforts and double down upon reflection.

 

In the spirit of Mother Theresa’s quote above, here is what I commit to you:

• I COMMIT TO: more 1:1 conversations with people who are different than me. To understand their pain, their stories, their perspectives.

• I COMMIT TO: being courageous and speaking up with love and compassion when either I feel racial bias or see it happening to others.

• I COMMIT TO: not shying away from difficult conversations when people ask me my opinion, even if I worry about them judging me, my experiences, and my opinions (and I’m never short on opinions!)

• I COMMIT TO: speaking with my children openly about all types of bias, understanding their perspective, and helping them see other perspectives.

 

I would love to hear what you commit to.

 

I may not have gotten all the words right, but I hope you will give me grace and see my intention in writing about this.

 

If I can assist you on your own path, please schedule time with me here:https://calendly.com/bijalchoksi/alliance

“Not everything that is faced can be changed but for anything to be changed it must be faced.” 

I love that quote by James Baldwin because it highlights that we all have a choice in how we live our one precious life. We can choose to shy away from difficult situations, with others and within ourselves, or we can choose COURAGE and acknowledge it, face it. Yesterday I shared a few prompts for a forward-looking morning reflection to be intentional about your day.

 

The other bookend for your day is the evening reflection. My business partner Liesa and I were just chatting about how intentionally making even minor changes in your day lead to big changes – in our mental state, in our relationships, in our work. 

 

The PM reflection offers a chance to catch your breath and think about your day. And allow space for you to be honest about how you are living your life, because each day leads to weeks, each week leads to months, each month leads to years, and each year leads to the life you have lived.

 

Below is subset of my PM reflection questions in case it is helpful to you:

 

1. What am I grateful for today? I had a huge model in gratitude last year when my father was near the end of his days. Even in pain, he constantly spoke about being grateful – grateful for his life, grateful for his family, grateful for his nurse, grateful for kindness, grateful even for the Indian tea I would spoon into his mouth.

   • My gratitude from yesterday – feeling of service helping a coaching client remove a mental obstacle.

 

1. What did I learn about myself today? (Sometimes I’ll ask a follow up question about what did I learn about someone else today?)

   • Mine from yesterday – I get more traction on my projects when I block 2 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted morning time => block my calendar until 11am and only schedule meetings for the afternoon.

 

1. How can I make tomorrow better? Often in the moment, we cannot or do not think about why we need to make those small hard choices to have a better day. But reflecting on it the night before and jotting it down somewhere (I’m a fan of post-its on my desk) allows you to take that learning and more easily apply it to the next day.

   • Mine from yesterday – drink more water.

   If I can assist you on your path, please schedule (afternoon) time with me here:https://calendly.com/bijalchoksi/alliance